Artemis' Diary
by TheAlmightyMoi
Summary: Look into Artemis' diary and learn his personal secret secrets that you might not want to know. A more adult version of OOCness. Chapter 3 is finally up! Written by Moi.
1. Pretty, shiny

Disclaimer- I don't own Artemis Fowl

**Disclaimer- I don't own Artemis Fowl. Eoin does.**

**A/N- I was in the middle of writing the next chapter of Love is Confusing when I got writers block. So I decided to post a fic that I wrote a year ago. I've written another chapter just in case anyone wants me to continue.**

Chapter One.

Dear Diary.

I am writing in you with a new pen. I love my new pen. It is pretty and shiny. Gold is pretty and shiny and so are diamonds. All my favourite things are pretty and shiny except for money. For some reason money isn't pretty or shiny. It confuses me and that is saying something for I am not easily confused.

Juliets makeup is pretty and sometimes it is shiny too. When Butler and Juliet were not around I tried on some of her makeup. I looked much prettier and shinier than Juliet. Juliet almost caught me doing sexy poses in the mirror so I locked the bathroom door. When she asked me what I was doing I told her that I was constipated but in really big words so that she didn't understand me.

I am very impressed with my vocabulary, sometimes I say words so big that I don't even understand myself. It pays to read a dictionary.

Better go, Mother will be back soon and I don't want her to catch me with her pretty and shiny high heels on.

**A/N- The writing style changes a lot in the next chapter. Beware! Also, please review.**


	2. Crap!

A/N- Next chapter

**A/N- Next chapter! This has a **_**lot**_** of swearing and introduces the crap count. You'll see what I mean…**

**Chapter Two.**

Crap.

Crap is my favourite word. My second favourite word is piss. But crap is better. Crap is craptastic. I can do a very good crap dance. My piss dance, however, is crap.

CRAP!!

Crap is good for throwing. Especially at people I HATE! People I HATE piss me off. ( I like the word piss.) shit is a close relative to crap. Therefore I also like shit. But shit belongs in a toilet with piss' close relative piddle.

My pretty shiny pen ran out. Now I HATE my pretty shiny pen. DIE PEN! My pretty shiny pen isn't shiny anymore. It is covered in crap. Shit joined in too.

I hate Butlers cat. Now his cat is craptastic. YAY!

Butler doesn't look very happy.

He looks kind of crappy…

OH CRAP!!

Gotta run!

Crap ya later!

**Crap Count- 14!**

**Please don't tell my mum I wrote this. ( Cowers in fear.)**


	3. Constipated!

**A/N- Read…**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing.**

3. Constipated.

I'm in hospital. The hospital food is crappy. I hate hospital food. So I threw the hospital food out the window. It hit the cars. It was fun. It was almost as fun as throwing crap at people.

I'm hungry now.

I have just been to the toilet. My crap is constipated. Poor crap. Juliet has new make up. It makes her very pretty and shiny. It would look better than me.

I decided to throw my constipated crap out the window. Oh crap. It hit Butler. Now Butler's in my room all angry and menacing and craptastic.

So I decided to threaten to dock his pay if he beats me up again. Then I threw more crap at him.

But Butler didn't beat me up. He needs all his pay so he can buy wigs and pink leather pants.

Memo to self. Kill Butler.

Crap ya later.

**Crap count- 9**

**A/N- And review!**


	4. Disintegrated

**Disclaimer – I don't own Artemis Fowl. **

**A/N – This chapter is different to the previous chapters…**

4. Disintegrated.

_Dear Diary_

_I'm out of hospital. But I gave the hospital a present before I left. Now the hospital's craptastic. Butler is crap. So crappy I need to kill him. Then his crappiness will cease to exist and I will have saved the universe. I'm going to kill Butler now._

_Crap ya later._

Artemis walked up to Angeline. 'Yo, big mamma,' he said, 'can I have a chainsaw?'

'Arty warty!' Angeline cried. 'Me cute lil princess, the sweet lil apple of me eye! Why do you want a chainsaw?'

'Shut your craphole!' Artemis yelled. Then he said some big complicated word.

'Golly gee wizzles Arty,' Angeline cried, 'you're so smart I'd be stupid not to trust you!' She waved her arms around then yelled 'Abra kadabra! Alakazam!' She then pulled a chainsaw out of her bosom. But she got it wrong.

'I'm melting,' she yelled. 'I'm melting! What a world!' Then she disintegrated. Artemis picked up the chainsaw and did a crap dance. Artemis Sr entered the room.

'Arty warty,' he cried. 'Me cute lil princess, the sweet lil apple of me eye! Where's big mamma?'

'Uh,' Artemis said. 'Um… Shut your craphole?'

Artemis Sr gave Artemis a Look. 'Artemis,' he said seriously. 'I'll shut my craphole after you tell me where big mamma is!'

'Yo big D!' Artemis yelled. 'Shut ya craphole!' He threw the chainsaw at Artemis Sr. Artemis Sr disintegrated. Artemis threw crap at his parents piles of ashes.

Crap Count – 10


End file.
